


batman smells, robin laid an egg

by orphan_account



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Egg Laying, M/M, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, deepest apologies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 07:36:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15238548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Omegas lay eggs, alphas fertilize those eggs, and betas sit around making snide remarks. Egg-laying occurs in a monthly cycle, and fertilization takes place externally.Or: Dick and Jason have an unplanned eggnancy.





	batman smells, robin laid an egg

Tim blamed it on inadequate sex education. It was a shame, really, that this country had such a puritanical streak that so many children had slipped through the cracks of proper sex ed and grown into clueless adults, prone to making terrible mistakes.

Broadly speaking: human beings have secondary genders. Omegas lay eggs, alphas fertilize those eggs, and betas sit around making snide remarks. Egg-laying occurs in a monthly cycle, and fertilization takes place externally, usually by prior agreement between an omega and alpha who love each other very much and have decided to start a family —

"I know where babies come from," Jason growled. "You think I'm an idiot?"

"Yes," said Tim, clicking to the next slide in his presentation. It was a photograph of an egg, overlaid with the words DO NOT EJACULATE ONTO ME.

"I don't need this shit," muttered Jason as he stood up and left the room.

"You clearly do!" Tim called after him. He huffed. He'd worked hard on his presentation.

*

"Humans are peculiar in this regard," said Kori, gently tilting her head. "We Tamaraneans give live birth, and we have a concept of a 'morning-after pill.' I am sure you have similar... technology."

Babs peered at Dick's egg. It seemed to hum and radiate warmth. It was a nice enough egg, she supposed. She had little desire to rub herself off against it, though, because she was a normal adult alpha with a well-developed notion of self-control. What had Jason been thinking?

"I've actually always wanted to hatch an egg," said Dick. "I suppose now's as good a time as any. I just kind of imagined it happening differently. Not by accident, I mean."

Kori pressed her palm against the shell. The egg reacted immediately, giving off a gentle glow and appearing to breathe into her touch.

"You imagined you would have a dedicated partner," said Kori. "One who would fulfill the role of provider and complete your traditional family unit. What do your people call it?"

"An alpha," said Dick, "but it's — I don't know. I don't think any family of mine is ever going to be traditional."

Babs grinned. "Basically, you're a strong, independent omega who don't need no alpha."

The three of them looked on as the egg continued to thrum with Kori's warmth. There was a silence.

"So I guess we're hatching an egg," said Dick.

" _We_ are doing nothing," said Babs. " _You_ are hatching an egg. And maybe Jason too, if he wants to help."

*

"Todd's chronic reckless masturbation has finally resulted in irreversible consequences," said Damian. "Though I suppose Grayson must bear some of the blame for not adequately disposing of his monthly gamete excretion. Now we must all bear the burden of this so-called 'eggnancy.'"

"We don't need to talk about this, Damian."

"But, Father — "

"No."

*

Just a couple of generations ago, the alpha would have built a nest for their newly fertilized egg, and together the community would have spent nine months taking turns, carefully keeping the egg warm and safe until it was ready to hatch. But that was a bygone era. Most contemporary parents-to-be put their eggs in incubators that automatically kept temperature and humidity at consistent and optimal levels — even in a place as cold as the Batcave.

Jason looked at Dick's egg, resting safely in the incubator that Alfred had somehow cobbled together. 

"It's fucked up," said Jason, not bothering to announce his presence to Alfred, who was carefully sanitizing a set of surgical equipment nearby. "How alienated we are from the hatching process. How it's just mechanized. Like the whole thing is mechanized and then a kid pops out, and you shove that kid into an educational system that just trains 'em to be another cog in the bullshit machine."

"You're quite welcome, Master Jason," said Alfred. "Wasn't much trouble at all, building an egg incubator out of medical scrap and old Batmobile parts."

Jason looked down at his feet. "Thank you, Alfred," he muttered.

"So," said Alfred, "you wish you could hatch your egg the old-fashioned way?"

"It's Dick's egg," said Jason, "and no, I just — it's better off in an incubator, I'm just being an asshole."

"It is your egg, at least partially."

Jason knelt down, bringing himself face to face with the incubator. "You'll probably be better off without your deadbeat dad around," he told the egg. "Sorry, buddy."

"The child inside this egg shares half your genetic material."

"Yeah," said Jason. "Half this kid is gonna be really shitty. And the other half'll be completely fucking perfect, which — which I guess means I'm gonna have a completely normal kid."

A pause.

"Shit," said Jason, turning on his heel and heading towards the stairs up to the manor. "I'm gonna have a kid."

"I believe 'Alfred' would be an excellent name for a child," Alfred said as Jason's steps faded away.

*

Jason burst into Dick's bedroom. "I want to help you with the egg," he said. "Our egg."

Tim blinked up at Jason from where he sat on the carpeted floor next to a stack of generously borrowed police files. He and Dick had apparently been working a case. Jason ignored it.

"I'm going to be a terrible father," Jason continued, "but I _want_ to be a father, and I — I think you could help me be less terrible."

Dick beamed, got up and pulled Jason into an awkward sort of hug; Jason mostly kept his arms at his sides and squirmed. "We're both going to be great fathers," Dick said. "And even if we're bad at it starting out, this kid's going to have a whole family of uncles, and aunts, and Bruce'll be a grandpa, and — Tim, are you texting?"

"Steph's throwing you guys a baby shower," said Tim, not looking up from his phone. "She's already ordered a massive banner that says _WE'RE EGGNANT_ and she expects the two of you to take a photo holding hands in front of it. I'm telling her I don't want to be involved."

*

Tim pulled up the next slide. It was a photograph of another egg. Just like the six previous slides, it was also overlaid with the words DO NOT EJACULATE ONTO ME.

"The lesson here," he said, "is that we don't want to fertilize strange eggs unless we're sure that we want to. It is a very serious decision."

"None of us are imbeciles, Drake," said Damian. He perched imperiously next to Jon, who was still studying the pamphlet (" _My Cloaca And Me_ ") Tim had handed out just before the presentation. The other Teen Titans seemed to have fallen asleep.

"Sex education is important," said Tim, eyes narrowing at Damian. "We don't want to accidentally release even more demon-spawn into the world, do we?"

Jon scrutinized the diagram in the pamphlet, turning it sideways. "I don't wanna lay eggs. That can't be comfortable."

*

The egg wobbled.

"Aw," said Dick. "Our baby's kicking."

Jason grunted.

"You're touched, aren't you Jason?"

"Yeah," Jason muttered.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm really sorry. this wasn't meant to happen


End file.
